Vigil for Love, a gay march, took place at Mumbai’s Azad Maidan shortly after the June 2016 Orlando gay club shooting in the US, to demonstrate solidarity with the victims. | Photo Credit: The Hindu Archives
It has been four years since gay sex was decriminalized by the Supreme Court. As awareness about the LGBTQIA+ community grows among the Indian public, it is important to examine how the queer community navigates love and relationships. In a society where same-sex relationships are still considered taboo, how do gay and bisexual individuals in India find partners? Are long-term relationships hard to come by? How does the media portray gay relationships?
In a world dominated by smartphones and the internet, traditional methods of finding love are becoming less relevant. Apps have taken over various aspects of people’s lives, including employment, shopping, and dating. This trend also applies to gay and bisexual men in search of companionship, as the majority of them rely on three popular apps – Grindr, Tinder, and Bumble. While Grindr caters specifically to gay men, Tinder and Bumble cater to individuals outside the LGBTQ+ community as well.
Vikram, a 25-year-old software engineer from Bangalore who identifies as bisexual, uses dating apps for various purposes, such as seeking friendship, going on romantic dates, casual hookups, or even finding someone to engage in activities like bowling. “I don’t have any specific focus when using dating apps. I have always looked for people to have a good time with. I have also met queer people organically at events like marathons and quizzes in Bangalore. I feel that there are now several physical spaces where queer individuals can safely meet each other, at least in major urban centers.”
Anand, who is in his mid-30s and identifies as gay, has used dating apps to find partners for hookups or pursue long-term relationships. However, he has encountered safety issues with these apps. He believes these apps promote abuse and lack sufficient security features to filter out impostors. Anand narrated a traumatic experience of financial extortion and blackmail when he used a dating app to meet another man for a hookup. “I was physically and verbally abused by the man I was chatting with. He took my phone and threatened to expose my sexuality to all my friends and relatives. I had to pay a large sum of money to escape the ordeal. I didn’t report it to the police because I didn’t want my sexuality to be revealed.” Anand’s journey with dating apps has been filled with negative experiences and disappointments. “I have been shamed for various things, including my body, English accent, and dark complexion. Finding meaningful long-term relationships has been challenging. The majority of people online are only interested in one-night stands, and although I am fine with that, it becomes difficult to come to terms with the fact that I may never find a long-term partner through these apps.”
Unfortunately, the queer community has a love-hate relationship with dating apps. As Anand highlights, being openly gay is a privilege limited to a select few. Therefore, it is not feasible for individuals who must be discreet about their sexuality to frequent physical spaces like gay cafes or bars or explore safer avenues to find partners. Many in the queer community have expressed that the people they match with on these apps tend to be very direct about their intentions, which can sometimes be dehumanizing.
Amarnath, a young dental surgeon from Chennai, acknowledges that not everyone may be seeking long-term relationships, but sometimes even having a conversation can be difficult. He believes that many people using these apps have had negative experiences, including being ghosted, enduring traumatic situations, or being involved in toxic relationships. Others may come across as anxious and desperate to find a partner, which can be off-putting. Amarnath advises setting realistic expectations when using dating apps.
There is a prevailing sense of pessimism within the queer community about finding committed, monogamous relationships. Contrary to popular belief, many gay individuals still desire long-term, monogamous relationships as the ideal. This stems from the fact that alternative types of relationships are seldom seen or acknowledged in a traditional society like India, which places great importance on heterosexual norms like marriage and procreation. “Finding a good husband or wife” and “settling down” are high priorities for Indian parents. This preoccupation is reflected in popular cinema and culture, which largely ignore alternative approaches to life.
Therefore, it is not surprising that many gay and bisexual men opt for heterosexual marriages due to parental pressure and societal expectations of respectability. For some, coming out as queer is not an option due to socioeconomic circumstances and genuine fear for their safety, as they risk violence and abuse from their families and society. In fact, the skepticism within the gay community about finding a long-term partner arises from witnessing numerous instances where men in same-sex relationships are forced to abandon their partners and marry women, leading deceitful heterosexual lives.
Some gay men, like Vikram, approach this issue from a different perspective. He believes monogamy is overrated and questions why a significant portion of the queer community strives to emulate a lifestyle that supposedly works for heterosexual individuals. He states, “I am not criticizing that way of life, but I believe it is not suitable for everyone. Nowadays, young people explore various types of romantic partnerships, from friends with benefits to open relationships to consensual polyamory. Some choose to be independent and not pursue stable partners. These alternatives are equally valid as monogamous relationships, and it is up to us to demonstrate to mainstream society that there are other ways of living.”
Amarnath adds, “Heterosexual individuals want us to believe that monogamous relationships are sustainable, but the reality is different nowadays. The struggle to find long-term monogamous relationships is not limited to LGBT people.”
Despite the challenges they face, neither Amarnath nor Vikram wish they were heterosexual. They recognize that everyone experiences difficulties in life and do not attribute all their problems solely to their sexual orientation. However, they do feel sadness at times that they can’t be open about their sexuality with everyone. Society assumes their identity as heterosexual, which concerns them. Nevertheless, they try not to hide their sexuality and embrace their true selves.
Interestingly, there is a growing representation of same-sex relationships in movies and OTT shows. While the entertainment industry is culturally fixated on romance, the LGBTQ+ community appreciates sensitive portrayals of romantic relationships.